Liners

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Atheist Bus

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Judgement Day

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?

Man: Yes, your honour. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.

Judge: Twenty years!

Rumbled

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk, "I hope the porn channel is my room is disabled?"

She tells him, "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."

Never Say This To A Lady

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

His wife asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

The husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled, the wife asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

Her husband replies: "I don't know, but it worked for your ass!"

Nunkey Business

Three nuns die in a car crash, and go up to heaven.

St Peter stands waiting for them at the pearly gates, and tells the nuns, "Before you come in, I'm afraid you'll have to answer a question. Don't worry, the questions are very easy."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?"

"Eve," she answers.

"That's the correct answer," St Peter replies. "Go straight in."

To the second nun, St Peter asks, "Where did Eve live?"

"The Garden of Eden," she answers.

"That's the correct answer," St Peter replies. "Go straight in."

As the third nun is the Mother Superior, St Peter tells her, "I'm afraid I have to ask you a more difficult question. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

The nun thinks for a moment and murmurs, "Ooh, thats a hard one."

"That's the correct answer," St Peter replies. "Go straight in.

Jesus Christ

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darkness saying, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin. He clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard the voice again: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" the burglar hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"

The parrot replied: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

Parrots Are Stupid. Monkeys Are Better

A woman wanted a pet, so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats, but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to confess, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse, and he occasionally makes rude remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, the woman took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam".

"That's not so bad," the woman thought.

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again: "New house, new madam, new whores."

Even though the woman felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot again spoke up... and this time it said, "Hi Ray!"

The woman met with a divorce lawyer the next day.

If Only She'd Married Me First

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" asked the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well," the woman began:

"Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" she finished.

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer," the woman explained. "This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Birdafly

Q: What's the difference between a fly and a bird?

A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

Colourful Belching

Q: What colour is a burp?

A: Burple!

Poor Monk

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So the new monk goes to the Head Monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Head Monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

The Head Monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him, so the new monk goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the Head Monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the Head Monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice comes the reply: "The word is celebrate."